A Californian’s Guide to Arizona 2020
I had a reason to spend a few days in Phoenix, Arizona, recently. Visit my daughter. Well Scottsdale, actually. I knew little about the next state over except the obvious things; it’s in the middle of the desert, it’s incredibly hot, it’s racist as fuck, and they have terrible food. Of course, places change, so I drove out with an open mind and looking for fun!
I drove from my place (literally) on the sand in Venice. It's a 5.5 or 6-hour drive depending on traffic and how fast you drive. You’d think driving through a desert in the middle of summer sounds pretty boring, but watching the outside temperature go from 70 to 115 wasn’t something I’d done before.
The first thing you notice as you get to the Stateline is the border. Going into Arizona, they don’t really have a sign. There is one, but I think it's like 5 miles past the border. Coming into California, there is an actual border. With guards and shit. I didn’t do an investigation or anything, but these guards aren’t feds. So…California state police, I guess? Either way, California (my state) must have a reason to build a border restricting the good people of Arizona from having free access.
After getting into Arizona, you notice the landscape. The desert bluffs (mountains, whatever they call them) are amazing. The first hour is pretty fantastic. Well, except for when I got gas.
Have you ever opened the oven while making Pizza or something that requires you to have the oven on really high? That is exactly what it feels like when you leave the A/C sanctuary of your car. A 110-degree wind (it was only 10:30 am) feels like it’s melting you. Especially your eyes. It was so hot the air pressure in my car tires went up. A lot. They say “1lb. for every 10 degrees”. Which can’t be right, because the pressure went from 36lbs to 43lbs and the temp was only up like 40 or 50 degrees. What do scientists know, right?
I don’t want to waste too much space talking about the heat, but seriously…. Why we wanted Arizona before A/C is incomprehensible. Nature had a plan of some kind for AZ, but only scorpions and tortoises have any idea what it could be.
I get to my resort in Scottsdale, which is nice. But I notice something odd. Most parking isn’t covered. Which is weird as its 117 degrees and my dashboard was changing from a solid to a liquid. “Let’s divert one of the greatest rivers on the planet and then leave everything else man-made out in the sun once we build a pointless city on Mars.” If the real Mars is less inhabitable than Phoenix in August, have fun Elon.
I jump in the pool and realize it's only sorta a pool. It’s big like a pool, but it's the temperature of a jacuzzi.
After a nap and throwing an ice bucket into the car so as not to burst into flames as I sat down on the black leather seats, I go to dinner. Now, this is on me, because I should have known better. I saw a sign that says RAMEN/SUSHI, and I went in. They did have an actual Japanese sushi chef, but he looked really depressed. Maybe that was a sign.
I’ve been to Japan and had RAMEN. I’ve eaten Ramen in every Ramen shop in LA, including the place that puts in Siracha (Sucks by the way) and goat meat. But I have never seen anyone ever use spaghetti noodles. While eating my Ramen Boulganese, I noticed the bar had two or three people carrying sidearms. Guns, in a bar.
I assumed it was a cop hang-out. A faux Japanese food cop hangout. Which, in hindsight, may be my 2nd sign. I asked the waitress if they always had this type of police protection, haha, and she was totally confused. I point out the guns, and she says,
“We are a right to carry state.”
Does that mean you can carry a loaded gun into a place you will be drinking alcohol?
“You need a special permit for that.”
Which by the look of things is not a difficult permit to get as the guy I watched peel back 3 Jack and Cokes in a half-hour was packing heat.
Come to find out if you don’t have a felony and do have a valid AZ ID you can buy up to 20 guns at a time. You can also buy assault rifles with no background check. How is that NOT a good idea, right?
My daughter’s boyfriend has an AR15. Cuz, why not? Well, he was pulled over by PHX PD, has no license, and the AR15 was loaded in the backseat. Did I mention he’s African American? Sheriff Joe Arpaio is notoriously respectful of all races and people (as long as they are white). Not sure he’s still Sheriff, but I bet the next guy is pretty close. Tay is always getting pulled over for such crimes against society as ‘driving the speed limit’ or DWB. Here’s where things get weird.
After not running his license (he doesn’t have one), having an assault rifle in the car-loaded, CA plates, with only his registration in his name……. They always let him go. He says, “Well, the car is registered.”. Maybe Arizona has turned a corner? He’s a really sweet kid but no license, loaded assault rifle, and he drives away. Maybe PHX PD can see past race because, again, he’s a sweet, harmless kid and they have absolutely NO laws restricting the ownership or carrying any gun. (they must have some, but from where I sit, nada)
Maybe I was wrong, maybe Arizona is evolving into a better place. The gun thing is pretty broken, but the police stayed within the law. Although, I’m not sure if the cops are super woke for ignoring the loaded death dispenser in the back seat and letting him go even though he has no license or are they racist pricks for pulling him over 2 times a week?
I am conflicted — more data is necessary.
I trust him more with the AR than I would trust myself. He is absolutely getting fucked with for the color of his skin in AZ., but he is putting himself in a great deal of danger. Cops tend to shoot people (you may have heard something about that recently), and often times, the people who get shot look a lot like him. To add an assault rifle into the mix feels like a bad idea.
I decide I need some first-hand experience with this craziness and hit up the local gun store. And to call it a gun store is like calling Yankee stadium a “park.” They do play baseball there, and baseball stadiums are often called “parks,” but no one is confusing it with a local rec center.
The owner was exactly the person you’d expect to own a gun store in Scottsdale AZ. White and angry. He referenced how “constitutional” a state Arizona is. I laughed the first time he said it. It was so cliche-crazy I thought he was kidding. I have been in gun shops, fired guns, and even own a couple. However, they are indescribably dangerous, and (my opinion) at least 75% of this country should not be allowed to own them. The 2nd Amendment nonsense is a litmus test to determine stupidity. At that point in history, the founding fathers were still grappling with whether the trebuchet was still viable, the idea some asshole would use the 2nd Amendment to justify buying a 50 caliber machine gun wasn’t something they considered. Did I mention my boy at the gun shop had two 50 cals. for sale? I guess I can post the shop’s number in the comments if anyone is looking for one.
After shopping for things that should be illegal and are more deadly than anything the militaries of a few small countries have, I ask about buying a handgun. The “commie blue states” don’t let him sell their citizen’s guns. I pointed out AZ was trending blue in the next election, and he was visibly upset. I bought a box of 12 gauge shells, and slugs (illegal in California) muttered something about ‘the commies taking our jobs’ pay and go.
That evening I was taking my daughter and her boyfriend to dinner. (The AR-15 was not invited) I wanted Mexican food as we still don’t have indoor dining in Cali, and I missed it terribly. Of course, Arizona (no regard for their citizens) was open for business, no matter how many new cases (COVID. July 2020) a day they were reporting at that time.
I’m sure it’s there someplace, but I wanted ‘Northern Mexican ‘. (Tacos enchiladas rice and beans etc, etc) and Phoenix is nothing if not culinary innovators. (cough, cough sarcasm)The top 10 Mexican food places on yelp were not real Mexican. ‘Chimihinga covered it Chipolte Poppers’ or some such nonsense. ‘San Antonio Style Mexican’. I already had Phoenix Raman, and I know San Antonio was in Mexico 150 years ago, but I wouldn’t eat Manila Style Tempora, and that was more recent stealing of land than when we took the entire southwest from Mexico. But, I digress.
I find a place in Scottsdale called Blanco’s Tacos. I put my name on the list. They say 45 inside, 20 min wait outside. Daughter and her BF get there and arrive maybe 15 minutes after I put my name down. We have a drink. The place is all socially distanced set up, so limited tables and people were ahead of us. 10 mins go by, 20 mins go by, 30 mins go by, I ask the hostess, Orca, and she says we are next. Then she takes two other 3 tops ahead of us. Which was odd considering they arrived AFTER WE DID.
I am what you call “pissed.” My daughter doesn’t want me to do what my nature is screaming to do. (go ask Orca for the manager) I’m certain the hostess isn’t behind this, it's the manager or the ownership that set this racist shit in motion. In fact, I should stop calling her Orca, but to facilitate straight racism in 2020 for minimum wage…. not like she is a guard at Dachau. I bet she could find a less fucked up place to work.
And if I learned one thing that night in Scottsdale, it’s ok to fuck with people because they look different.
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
I should have just stopped and thought about it for a second or so. It’s only so much their fault. I mean, WHITE’S TACOS is the direct translation. I was in Scottdale, home of BARRY GOLDWATER blvd. Barry is known as a racist and father of political dirty tricks. (Barry voted against the civil rights act) Combine that with Arizona being the only state in the US to oppose making MLK’s birthday a holiday….. well, I’m lucky they didn’t lynch us.
*FACTOID*
The first year the US honored MLK’s birthday was 1983. Arizona didn’t ratify it as a holiday until the early 1990s. When the NFL said, they would move the Superbowl unless they did it. Who in the hell says, “So you are saying I can have an extra day off if I agree to make Martin Luther King’s birthday a holiday?”. “Naw, I’d rather go to work”. Where the hell am I?
As I crawled into my bed that night in my air-conditioned room overlooking the molten lava pit they call a pool, I reflected on my trip. Much like Donald Trump said about those Nazi’s “There are good people on both sides.” I, of course, don’t know that for a fact, but my little girl is good, and thankfully, she is on the other side from any homicidal gun shop owner, racist hostess, or deeply conflicted policeman. So there is a good person on one side with a bunch of armed-terrifying-sunburnt fools on the other.
Journalism is about accuracy.
