Anatomy of a Game-Changing Cocktail
If you were a single guy during the pandemic, things could get lonely. I’m a pretty social person and used to dating etc., but as we all know, in early 2020 that was shut down.
I got it early so I was pretty lucky. Not lucky to get COVID before they had any idea what to do for it, (my Dr. told me to stay inside my house for 14 days and call him on the way to the ER if i couldn’t breathe or temp was above 103) but lucky that my paranoia was erased before May of 2020.
I wasn’t ‘not wearing a mask guy’, but I wasn’t paranoid to meet after a 1st cyber date. I also live on the beach, so with limited choices my place for a movie, maybe a drink, dinner — whatever was a solid and unusually acceptable option and not a ‘terrifyingly rapey’ suggestion.
Normally when planning to first meet someone, “want to come to my house and drink” doesn’t fly, but during COVID, it sounds kinda fun.
You know what isn’t fun? My date showing up and my handing her a Coors Light. After the first date, it was pretty obvious I needed to become a mixologist.
In the olden days, I would have bought a book, but now I went straight to youtube. That combined with years of “independent research” (huge fan of alcohol) I was ready to start showing my skill set.
DRINK #1
OLD FASHIONED
Bourbon
Simple Syrup
Bitters
Orange Peel
Cocktail Cherry
*Fun fact*
Did you know cocktail Cherry’s are the same price per gram as Platinum?
I make one and it feels pretty pedestrian, but tastes awful. “Why” you ask? How does one measure out a “jigger of bitters”? Find me where the line on the measuring cups or spoons says “jigger”? “Some” orange peel is also not helpful.
When I was a little boy my mother would get extra onions to soak in her Vodka Manhattan and let me eat one. I loved the alcohol soaked pickled treat. So I assumed 2 Cocktail Cherry’s would only make my drink better, not a watery alcohol pancake syrup. And two “Jiggers” or three isn’t going to fix that problem.
To put it bluntly, mixing small amounts of things together is called “chemistry”. I got an A in Chemistry in high school but this was clearly more complicated than I assumed. I drank the Old Fashioned anyway.
I take two steps back to take one forward..
DRINK #2
VODKA MARTINI
Put Vodka in a glass with a cocktail onion.
Not difficult, but cold vodka isn’t a drink, it’s an ingredient. I’m still calling it a “win’.
That was when i realized something…
If you put vodka in a tumbler with ice, add enough sugary juice so you can’t taste the vodka, and pour it into a fancy glass, pretty much any woman is elated.
DRINK #3
JUICE-A-TINI
The standard line, “What would you like to drink?”
-What do you have?
“Do you like sweet cocktails?”
Boom. A little Guava and some pineapple juice from the 99c. store and I am in business.
I rode that horse until someone hit me with a curveball.
“What would you like to drink?”
-Tequila.
“Um.. like a Margarita”?
-Sure
I had Tequilla, some limes, some old (like could have been 8–10 years so I know it is basically Spam) Margarita mix but no triple sec, Roses Lime or Cointreau etc.
“Hey, do you like fruit margaritas?”
-Just normal on the rocks is fine
My juice scam was out. This was going to taste like using lemon wedges to scoop kale into your mouth.
-Please salt the glass.
Correction: Salty lemon wedges to scoop kale into your mouth.
I also had another problem, how do you make salt stay on the glass? Gorilla glue seemed like a poor choice but as awful as this Margarita was going to taste, not really going to make it taste worse.
Then I had an epiphany.
What is the eatable version of gorilla glue?
Honey.
Knowing theatrics and presentation was as important as taste, I wet around the edge of the glass very slowly with the honey bear so that the honey sorta ran down the glass, but not far enough that you would be cleaning honey fingerprints off my walls later.
Rolled the glass in salt, poured the nasty Margarita over rocks and at the last min I carefully put a few drops of Apple Cranberry juice onto the floating ice cubes so it just stayed on top. Making the drink RED on top and GREEN on the bottom.
It was so pretty I knew it could taste like battery acid and she’d be fine. But something unforeseen happened.
Apparently fresh line, mediocre Tequilla, pre-Obama Margarita mix, mixed with the salt and honey every sip taste just like a Sour Patch Kids candy.
DRINK #4
SOUR PATCH MARG
Once I adjusted the recipe (bought some Trader Joe’s Margarita mix) it has been such a hit I don’t think anyone has had just 1. Keep in mind I make these in a pint glass, and two of them is close to 4 full shots of tequila. For a 120lb woman, you suck 2 of these down and you aren’t driving for a while.
Contrary to what you sickos are thinking, I don’t really want some random hammered woman, I don’t know all that well, wandering around my house. When they asked for a 3rd, I would double-check if this was a good idea. And maybe I date drunks, but three of these bittersweet pink monsters and we are both making a commitment to the next 12 hours.
Here’s where things get weird.
Men don’t really like them. Oh, some have, but if it’s couples, the women are licking the honey-salt mixture off the glass while the guys are seeking alternatives.
The following is the basic ingredients. This is also the end of my story. Anti-climactic isn't it?
The SOUR-PATCH MARG
Pint Glass
Honey Bear
Salt
2 shots of middle-of-the-road tequila. (What’s the point of great tequila when most of the drink is cheap Margarita mix etc.)
1 squeeze of fresh lime (not a whole lime, call it a “jigger”)
1/3 of a shot Cran-Apple
