I Love Wish.com

5 min readAug 29, 2021

Wish.com is where I go when I need to relax.

I’m a single guys guy and I hate shopping, housework, folding clothes, washing (anything) (ever), and buying toilet paper.

Since opening my company I have gone from a closet full of Boss suits to gym shorts and flip flops. If I’m wearing socks either someone died, I have a date (I didn’t plan, otherwise — flip flops) or there is something very important that requires me to wear socks. A sock-related event such as………can’t think of one, but they exist.

Maybe

I like to watch football, complain about things on Medium, and read. I also like to work, but sometimes you need a moment when there isn't any job pressure or feel like reading 501c3 filings. Sometimes you want to chill.

And when I chill I go to Wish.com.

“Is this an ad?”

Hardly.

Wish.com is what happens if a Walmart rapes an Amazon fulfillment center while an Apple store, a sex shop and a Loews watches…..

It’s the low-tech alternative to all the cool shit we can get in 24 hours from a phone app and the low complexity alternative to Google or Amzon’s algorithms.

And it’s all translated from Chinese. Literally.

It’s a cacophony of chaos while getting amazing deals on Chainsaw blade sharpeners, selfie sticks and plant fertilizer.

Where Amazon is using a super sneaky algorithm to cross collateralize data, Wish is on a whole other level. Amazon may notice you searched for “a good place for soup”, GPS noticing you are walking slowly and the speaker on your Alexa heard a cough, thus they advertise vitamin C and cough drops and Tylenol. Wish throws balloons at you because you just clicked on ballons cuz you couldn’t tell what it was and they dont give descriptions. It’s totally insane! But not one time, like for days, 1000’s of ballons.

The only experience I can compare it to is taking 1000 micrograms of LSD and going to a flea market. Not that I ever have…

I got to stop with the words and get to the pictures.

SHOW AND TELL

The following pictures are screenshots from Wish without my removing the explanations. They just don’t give you one. The best part, everything you see was in the first few pages, I didn't change to some crazy department, no weird searches, this was just a few items Wish.com felt I needed.

EXHIBIT A

Multicolored handgranades. I guess for use in an urban inviorment as they would only be camoflodged around neon. A staple of Wish.com is QUESTIONABLE size. I have no idea if these are the size of a penny or actual size.

EXHIBIT B

Multicolored straps. Are they to consolidate electric cords? Are they just all purpose straps? Do I need 8? Why are they different colors?

EXHIBIT C

Admittedly I’m not a fashionista, but I doubt most people who don't jump motorcycles for a living would be into this. It is priced at .50c so they are acknowledging its….well…ugly.

“Limited quantity”, I don’t believe it. Nor do I believe they sold 1,000 of them. Even for .50c.

EXHIBIT D (ha)

Increase your testosterone “naturally” with a tube of Chinese goo. I’m guessing the three different silhouettes are penis’ and three different illustrations show how much bigger this magic stuff will change your….er…manhood.

Also, 28cm is 11 inches. You may want to consult your partner before making an 11 inch change.

I’ll tell you what all that is in a sec, but first let's play,

WHAT ITEM DOESN'T BELONG?

I did not alter or photoshop this. These are just 4 items Wish’s fucked up algorithm felt I could use so they put them on the same line.

You are seeing that correctly, a purple flashlight, blow pops, a gold ring designed by a mobster and a sex restraint device.

Which doesn't belong? Trick question, none have anything to do with the any other. And the best part, if you look close, the ring is actually free but the candy is $11.

Another quirk of the algorithm is flexible pricing. If you click on something and don’t buy (sometimes even if you do buy it) within 3 rows it’ll pop back up cheaper. But in a different configuration, different ad, same product.

Then of course, we have the products you will never see anyplace else. For instance…

…I have to assume of the “10,000 bought” 9,900 were purchased by the guy who designed it.

Once you bought foldible hair catcher, and try to check out you notice a $6 item costs $11.50 because of outraagous shipping costs. Shipping costs that will get this item to you in roughly a month. If you are lucky. China is far.

SHOW AND TELL ANSWERS

Once you click on an item a little window pops up letting buy as well as offering a much needed explanation. Some screen shots…