Plastic Sucks

Lord Dukes de Enfer
11 min readAug 8, 2022
Dream vacation.

SO you bought an EV, take the bus whenever possible, use low-watt lightbulbs, low-flow toilets, and avoided lead paint by painting your kid’s room in henna-tattoo brown. Hell, you even recycled your old Macbook Pro.

You are the model millennium woke adult.

So, if you are such a solid citizen then why do you hate Sea Turtles?

What did he do to you?

You don’t? You sure about that princess? Because I am going to make you feel terrible about yourself in the next couple thousand words and there isnt a god damned thing you can do about it but read all the way until the end where I offer solutions (baby steps) to bring you back to the Good Guys Team.

****Authors note****

Daring your readers to stop reading isn’t very smart.

****End note****

When I decided to write a piece on one of the worst global problems facing earth I didn’t realize it was going to be so UN-sexy.

Due to the aforementioned “UN-sexiness”, I’m going to try and help you get through this. Let’s break this into three parts:

  1. The Problem.

2. A simple test to show you and your family how big a problem this is.

3. A few small changes that will help going forward. Most of which will be completely obvious by the time you finished the aforementioned test.

I know I’m sorta ‘tongue and cheek’ thus far, but this is comparable in severity to Global Warming. When Global Warming gets bad you move away from the Ocean and maybe to Canada. But what if Canada is literally covered in a foot deep of Mars bar wrappers and old laundry detergent bottles? What then?


Plastic is not biodegradable. (They have ‘degradable plastic’, but that’s actually worse — I’ll come back to it — stay focused) When something doesn’t degrade it stays in its original form. Of the 8.5 billion tons of plastic humans have produced only…

Lord Dukes de Enfer

Shit is about to get real. Or I’m just going to complain a lot. "Medium is the new Penthouse Forum" - Ben Adler