The Three Phases of Dating for Men
Normally I’d be snarkily twisting things up in any Medium post about dating. Not this time. This shit is serious. I’ll keep it short.
*All ages are in guy years*
For those who dont know, men are basic. We are a hair past being cavemen on the evolutionary scale. You may find outliers but they are outliers for a reason. The rest of us are overcome by hormones from 14–28 (give or take). Anything we do during that period that contradicts our drive to procreate is almost worthy of analysis.
Everything we do prior to our early 30’s is motivated by what we perceive will get us laid by a woman who is on the rung just above ours on the social heiarchy. Even when we pass up any opportunity it's in some way motivated by our perception that someone out there will see it and advance us up to a new ceiling of our physical match range. Deny it all you want but everything from the spoiler on the back of your Honda Civic to a certain tie is Peacock Plumage.
Men who want to disagree, I beg you to make your cases below. At best, you’ll end up realizing I’m right. At worst, fetal position in the closet.
Phase #1
Puberty to 35
During Phase 1 women have absolute control. We are at your mercy. During this period rarely will a woman be ‘too crazy’ if she is hot. It happens, but man is the bar low.
The only frailty women of this age range have that offers some balance is their insecurity. Because women develop sexually a little after men (women are 4–6 years ahead of guys developmentally in every other way) they possess objectivity towards the many facets of life we don’t. And women are sorta terrified of us in their younger years, rightfully so, as we smell like a combination of pheromones and erection until we find Axe bodyspray. Or soap for that matter.
So the balance of power is brought back a little, but never question this: a woman who is middle of the pack in every way, who developed as a woman (has breast) a little early, can sleep with the captain of the football team in every high school in the country right now. That being said, 97.5% (standard deviation of 5% because the reality is its more like 99.8%) of the guys will NEVER have a shot at the prom queen prior to the 20th reunion. And only then if the guy has made Zuckerberg money and she has “had a hard life”.
Phase #1 — WOMEN CONTROL
Phase #2
(35–45)
Let’s say you are a guy who has his shit together (has a job) still works out three days a week, is divorced, or didn’t marry for some reason and isn’t gay. (The last one isn’t a deal-breaker for some women) This makes you worth your weight in gold. In fact, two out of three of those (being married isn’t even a deal-breaker for some women) makes you a PLUS PROSPECT.
Once a woman hits 33 she has so much pressure to mate or match-up its incredible. Men have nothing close to compare it to other than our need to have sex in phase 1, but that’s a different pressure. Maybe she isn’t married because of work, long term guy didn’t work out etc etc, doesn’t matter. But a bald 41-year-old dude with a flat stomach and $86k a year job all of a sudden he is Fabio.
When guys look in the mirror and see a little grey, “Hey, I’m George Clooney”. When women see grey they are the old chick from TITANIC and they now have to live in the past as they have no future. Or so their inner voice is screaming.
When you think of a ‘Trophy Wife’ you think, big-breasted 20 years old. Not so, its a usually well-aged 39-year-olds with the little professional foundation and a rich 70-year-old. But if that same 39 years old found a 45-year-old short fat Dr. or an accountant with hairy toes, she’s locking that shit down asap.
Phase #2- MEN HAVE THE POWER
Phase #3.
50+
Men always have supermodel taste. And coming off phase #2 guys are riding high. We’ve been out kicking our coverage for 10 years and like that one really good year you had in your late 30’s (the one that made you think a new Porsche was a smart move) you are certain the ladies loving you will go on forever.
And you’d be wrong.
If you are 50+, a 39-year-old woman needs you to have taken good care of yourself. The 45-year-old man is “worldly and fascinating” to a 34-year-old. She overlooks your belly and the c-pap machine, but at 50 you are basically dead. The dating algorithms on dating apps ceiling you at 48. Even if you look like Brad Pitt you have to lie to be in the game.
Rule of thumb
The 24-year-old woman who falls in love with the 35-year-old guy, then looks him up when she’s 34 and chases him, won’t return his texts when she’s 41.
Phase #3 STAY IN SHAPE OR ELSE MAKE A LOT (A LOT) OF MONEY
In conclusion,
To the guys I’m not saying “pair up now or die”, but I am saying don’t wear jungle fatigues into battle in the snow. Be prepared for your new reality. And although Tony Randle knocked someone up when he was in his 60, there is a reason Viaga is such a big deal.
And to the women, once you hit 45 you’ve won. Your body chemistry changes and you won’t need us, accept when you NEED us. So to you I say, “just wait us out”.
